I wouldn’t exactly call what I’m going through right now “writer’s block”, it’s more like “writer’s blah”. Usually when I get this my reaction is to want to wipe the slate clean by starting a new project. And this is why I have three rough drafts and no shiny, completed novels.
What happens is that I decide, with all the best intentions and positive outlook, to start working on one of those drafts again. Lately it’s been Cobault, which is the most put-together of the drafts despite being in the midst of massive rewriting. I open the document, skim through to where I left off and back track a chapter or two. By reading what came before, editing as I go, I generally get into it easier. However, lately I have been reading what came before and thinking to myself:
It’s shite. I’m shite, this is shite, he’s shite and she’s shite. I start to mentally plan just how much re-rewriting I have to do, overload my mental circuitry and minimize the screen in panic. As a result, I’ve stalled. Ever since finishing The Long Road Home, which I was at first really pleased with during the process but then afterwards I realised, no, that’s shite as well.
This needs to stop happening if I’m to get anywhere. I just need to relax, stop judging myself and just let the words flow, shite or no shite. But they’re just not flowing, stifled by my cries of “Shite, shite, shitey-shite!!” that would make my husband concerned for my sanity if indeed these shouts were vocalised. I’m telling myself that I need to just Do It Or Else, but the Or Else part fails to be truly threatening because I know I’m bluffing. Or Else what, mind? You’ll make me mindlessly surf the internet and scour Failblog for three hours? That’s just what we do already, you lazy, unemployed lump of grey matter!
This is also why I’ve been so dedicated to updating this blog, as a sort of penance for not really writing properly. As if to be presenting these posts like offerings at the altar of my counter-productivity, hoping to satiate the little demons in my head who prod me with vicious little guilt-sticks.
I’m hoping that I’ll get more productive now that I’m going to be volunteering two days a week with holy-crap-amazing birds of prey at Raptor World, part of the Cupar Deer Centre. I always find that the less I do the less I want to do, so let’s see if I can swing that cycle of nonsense the other way ’round. Today I’m off to go buy some waterproof trousers, as I’ll no doubt be scraping raptor poo off of various surfaces in rain, wind, hail and snow.
Is it weird I’m looking forward to that? You can tell I’ve been most terribly bored.