How to Celebrate St. Valentine’s Day

So it’s Valentine’s Day.  After my rant about the last consumer-driven holiday, I feel it would be amiss to ignore this particularly virulent example.  Let’s discuss.

Firstly, Saint Valentine himself.  According to my sources, the name applies to several Roman saints.  And as for the one celebrated on February 14th we only really know that he was buried on the day in question.

So why is he the cause of this saccharin celebration of all things pink and red and heart-shaped?  Well, he’s the patron saint of the following:

Love – Ok, that makes sense.

Affianced couples – Well isn’t that nice.

Happy marriages – Precious.  I can feel the Hallmark phrases just building like bile in my throat.

Against fainting – Hm, I suppose fainting can be a side-effect of too many champagne-filled chocolates.  No one wants that.

Bee keepers – Um, sure.  Bees give us honey, and bee keepers steal the honey from said bees for the benefit of mankind.  Bee-keepers aren’t given the credit they’re due, honestly.

Plague – Yes, not only are you celebrating the day of love, but also the day of PLAGUE.  But, honestly, if there are plague victims among us today I believe that they should get Valentines as much as anyone else.  Something along the lines of: Roses are red/ Violets are blue/ You’ve got the Black Death/ But I still like you.

Epileptics – Maybe seizures are just the side-effect of being hit by Cupid’s arrow?  You never know.

So, in light of all these things, let’s see what we do for St. Valentine’s Day in modern times (if indeed we choose to celebrate it at all):

– Force poorly-worded greetings cards onto our loved ones.

– Purchase scanty red underthings.  Wear them, to varying degrees of successful attractiveness.

– Go out to dinner with a room full of other soppy couples, look lovingly into each others’ eyes, hold hands, etc etc.

Not very Saint Valentines-y, now is it?

I think if we really want to celebrate this day properly we need to do the following:

– Celebrate love in general, and maybe do a shout-out to an affianced couple you may know, or cheer on a happy marriage that’s going strong.

– Buy some smelling salts.

– Go visit a bee-keeper and thank them for their hard work.

– Raise money for plague sufferers.

– Start a campaign banning flash photography and strobe lights.

Let’s get right on that.

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