Tag Archives: flatulence

An Ode: To Cheese, From A Lactard

In lieu of having anything of interest to talk about, I give to you an ode to an inanimate object.  And just so you know – a “Lactard” is someone who is Lactose Intolerant, whose lactase enzymes are too retarded to do their job properly and digest the loveliness of cheese.  Curse you, enzymes!!!

To Cheese, From A Lactard

Why do you hurt me so?
I only wish to partake
Of your cheesy delight.
But – Alas! – it is not to be.

For I am a Lactard,
Full of unworthy enzymes
Which cannot digest you
And it leads to unpleasantness.

But every so often,
Once a moon or so,
I cannot help but eat you
And take lactase tablets.

Behold! The lovely cheese!
My favourite: Brie,
Creamy, soft and divine
After cutting off icky rind bits.

I devour it, in transports
Of fervour and delight –
Beauteous dairy!
I could eat it all day long.

But this binge passes
Too soon, and I am left bereft
Not to have my beloved cheese,
Left alone in the cruel world of soy substitution.

Yes – I have monthly cheese binges and it’s amazing.

Yesterday was one such Cheese Binge Day, and it was magical.  But even when I do take the tablets, it doesn’t get rid of all the side-effects.  I won’t divulge exactly what side-effects persevere, but let’s just say you don’t want to be locked in a small, airless room with me anytime soon.